The 3 Keys to Rebooting Your Life After Divorce

The Re-Cap

We have talked about love; we have talked about God as the focus, priority and expectation of our marriages. Now let’s talk about when it goes wrong: when you have divorced, when the marriage is done. 

When It is Over

Let’s talk about the tough moments, the ones when you have to fight your hate of your ex just to see your kids, or sitting alone in a room crying, screaming inside because you are alone and you are so full of pain you cannot see what went wrong.

Does any of this sound familiar? Do you remember feeling like you had to put on a good face, because people are uncomfortable with pain? Yet, inside, you are screaming and feeling like no one understands your pain?

O honey, I know. Better yet, my Father knows. God sees the inside, your secret places. Your quiet despair and He wants it. You cannot carry that burden alone. Stop trying. Let’s look at how God wants to heal you and make post-divorce life good again.

The first thing is sometimes the hardest thing

NO one likes to admit when they are wrong, especially when so many wrongs have been done to them, as often is the case in divorce. So what is the first thing? Repent. Come before a Holy God, and repent for missing the mark in your marriage. Repent for your lack of trust in Him, repent for your attitude, and repent for the resentment: repent for your part in it all, whatever that may be.

Look, there is no judgment here. God knows the circumstances of your marriage and I do not. I do not want to get in the he said she said of it all, at this point it is almost pointless to get into those things. Your marriage is done, you ARE divorced, so what now? You need a spiritual reboot.

Now my husband is the computer guy, and he will not like that I will probably miss some detail in this metaphor, but I will use it anyway. Not too long ago, my computer was acting wacky and I did everything I know to get it to behave. I babied it, I held my tongue just so when turning it on, and I found that no matter what I did, it was still broken. 

But, when I turned it over to an expert, a person who knew the inner workings of the computer, they began to repair what was damaged, replace what was non-functioning, and reformatted the hard drive. The repairman brought the computer back from the brink. Once it was rebooted, it was like having a new computer.

God sees your inner workings. 

He knows what went wrong; He knows what needs to be replaced, what wounds need repairing and He wants to reformat your heart: to bring you back in line with the manufacturer’s specifications and design. Then your life can reboot. You can function the way God intended you to post divorce. In order for this to happen though, we have to stop trying to do it on our own. 

Holding my tongue just so and babying the computer did not fix anything. Turning to the expert did. 

Getting Over It

This is the second thing we must do to get past the pain of divorce: we must turn to God, and allow Him to be the expert He is on our life. Let him pull out the junk parts in us, and let Him repair the damage we did, and had done to us during the marriage and then the divorce.

Finally you must stop being so hard on yourself and on your ex. 

Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. 

Forgiveness is hard. I know this, but we must learn to walk in forgiveness. Christ said, forgive as we have been forgiven, and not in limited supply, but as many times as it takes. (70 x 7) When that pain rises up, when that resentment and anger rears its ugly head, capture that, and in THAT moment, choose to forgive. 

This may only need to be done once, but it may need to be done over and over until you have completely let it go. Forgive them and forgive yourself! Relinquish the “right” to be angry and walk in forgiveness.

Look at what God says in His word: 

“My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.” (I John 3:18-20 MSG)

Now you need the Key

Love is the key to healing. Letting God love you, and you choosing forgiveness and Christ’s love over anger and pain allows you to let go of the self-criticism and allows God to make us over. LOVE!

Jude 1:20-21 The Message (MSG) But you, dear friends, carefully build yourselves up in this most holy faith by praying in the Holy Spirit, staying right at the center of God's love, keeping your arms open and outstretched, ready for the mercy of our Master, Jesus Christ. This is the unending life, the real life!

There is Freedom!

There is life after divorce: fullness in God, and freedom from the pain of past failures. There is freedom in these three things: repent, allow God to be God, and finally, walk in love and forgiveness. If you do this, that crippling pain you feel now will not only go away, there will eventually be no scars: emotional or spiritual. God is good like that!

If you want more help on recovery post-divorce, I recommend http://www.divorcecare.org/. This program is amazing, and even has curriculum for your children. 

Find a Christ centered Divorce Care group near you by visiting the link above and begin your road to healing.

Be blessed and be a blessing, and remember heal is a verb. 

If you have ever divorced, did you have a hard time recovering? Why or why not?