My Struggle

The Apology

When it comes down to the brass tacks of this thing, I have been a slacker. Since Saturday I have not really poured much into the actual content of this blog. For that I want to apologize. I can make excuses, but I won’t.

The Reason

I know that there is a reason for me to have this blog. When I say “God told me to do this” I mean it. I did not hear an audible voice or see any apparitions. I just had an idea drop into my head with such clarity and force during a time of worship I knew God had spoken.

I sometimes do not think I am living up to what He wants from me here. I have had some really great Bible studies, shared some great thoughts on real life issues like depression and marriage, and even had some growth in readership. Yet, all of these things are for nothing if I am not consistent.

The Gravity

While talking to a friend over the weekend, the gravity of what I am doing hit me. I am building a platform, a tribe, which I am spiritually responsible to/for. I have called you my gypsies because no matter what walk of life we are from we all have wondered around lost until Jesus. 

Yesterday, while doing my daily blog reading, I came across a guest post by Caleb McNary on goinswriter.com. He wrote about the things writers need to do to start a blog. For him, he said, the hardest part was starting.

The Heart of It

That is not my problem. For me the hardest part is wondering. I wonder if my words are impacting people in any way. I wonder if I am doing this right. I wonder if I should scrap this blog and start all over.

This is what I wrote in the comments of Caleb’s post:

(What is) The hardest part of blogging for me? How much time do you have? NO, in all honesty I love writing my blog. The hardest part for me is the not knowing. Not knowing if my words are having an impact, or not knowing if around the corner, today or tomorrow or maybe never, it will grow to what I have in my heart. When I start focusing on these questions instead of just letting go and enjoying the process the neurotic trauma is too much to handle. So inevitably when I become the head case I tend to be, I walk away from the keyboard and find something else to do. I have to live life before I can blog about it.

Caleb replied first that he understood and secondly that I should share this with you. So I am. I do not want my flesh stroked. This is not about building my ego. I have enough of that, believe me. This is about sharing with you my personal struggle in this moment, because in all honesty, I am struggling.

I know that like any struggle, this too shall pass, but in this moment I had to share.

What about you? Do you have a struggle to share?