My Struggle

The Apology

When it comes down to the brass tacks of this thing, I have been a slacker. Since Saturday I have not really poured much into the actual content of this blog. For that I want to apologize. I can make excuses, but I won’t.

The Reason

I know that there is a reason for me to have this blog. When I say “God told me to do this” I mean it. I did not hear an audible voice or see any apparitions. I just had an idea drop into my head with such clarity and force during a time of worship I knew God had spoken.

I sometimes do not think I am living up to what He wants from me here. I have had some really great Bible studies, shared some great thoughts on real life issues like depression and marriage, and even had some growth in readership. Yet, all of these things are for nothing if I am not consistent.

The Gravity

While talking to a friend over the weekend, the gravity of what I am doing hit me. I am building a platform, a tribe, which I am spiritually responsible to/for. I have called you my gypsies because no matter what walk of life we are from we all have wondered around lost until Jesus. 

Yesterday, while doing my daily blog reading, I came across a guest post by Caleb McNary on goinswriter.com. He wrote about the things writers need to do to start a blog. For him, he said, the hardest part was starting.

The Heart of It

That is not my problem. For me the hardest part is wondering. I wonder if my words are impacting people in any way. I wonder if I am doing this right. I wonder if I should scrap this blog and start all over.

This is what I wrote in the comments of Caleb’s post:

(What is) The hardest part of blogging for me? How much time do you have? NO, in all honesty I love writing my blog. The hardest part for me is the not knowing. Not knowing if my words are having an impact, or not knowing if around the corner, today or tomorrow or maybe never, it will grow to what I have in my heart. When I start focusing on these questions instead of just letting go and enjoying the process the neurotic trauma is too much to handle. So inevitably when I become the head case I tend to be, I walk away from the keyboard and find something else to do. I have to live life before I can blog about it.

Caleb replied first that he understood and secondly that I should share this with you. So I am. I do not want my flesh stroked. This is not about building my ego. I have enough of that, believe me. This is about sharing with you my personal struggle in this moment, because in all honesty, I am struggling.

I know that like any struggle, this too shall pass, but in this moment I had to share.

What about you? Do you have a struggle to share?

Whiners are not Winners! Why I want to be a Proverbs 31 Woman.

Some of you may have seen the post Waste Not Want Not, A Proverbs 31 Household Hint and thought you had stumbled onto the wrong blog. I don’t blame you. It is not my usual post. But I have to say that since I started this with the intent to always be honest, let me explain why it is here.



I want to be THAT woman: The Proverbs 31 Woman. The problem is that I am nowhere near where I want to be. Let’s look at what Proverbs 31:10- 31 says (The Message)

A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!



Wow, if only I were this woman! My husband and children, even my mother-in-law (who lives with us) -ESPECIALLY my mother-in-law- would sing my praises around the county.



The truth is that the other day a friend wanted to come over and hang out for some coffee, and I told her no because the cat box had not been cleaned, dishes were in the sink and I had not swept the house in three days. I told her why, and she was very kind to me, but it bothered me a lot.



Since then, I have intended to begin a new regimen to serve my family. And make no mistake: cooking for them and cleaning the house is a service and a ministry to my family and friends, and I have not been attentive to this part of my life at all. Now my house is no sty. Though in the past, I cannot say that.



When my father-in-law died a few years ago, my house looked like a scene from A&E’s Hoarders. If a friend had not come over and frantically shoveled dirty clothes into bags so my husband could run to the laundry mat, while I cleaned dishes and made the kids push a vacuum, then there would have been no place to hold the reception of friends and family after all the services were done. How shameful is that! I have gotten MUCH better, and the only thing that really piles up around here anymore is dust, cat poo, and a load of clothes (or two) waiting to be folded. This is usually as bad as it gets.



But I want better! I want my home to be hospitable and open and not to feel like I have to turn away friends when they need a place to relax and get away for a few hours. So I am going to begin a Proverbs 31 Household Hints post that will include updates, struggles and hints on things that I find as I endeavor to get better disciplined in my domestic ministry. That is why there is such an odd post below this one. It is the first of many, I am sure.



Now, please hold me accountable and also pray for me to learn the discipline I need to succeed. I know that I have to tackle this part of my life. Not so I can impress people with a “Martha Stewart” like home, but because I need to develop discipline NOW so I can live my dream later! (Thanks Jon Acuff and his book Quitter)



If I cannot take care of the small things, how will God trust me with the big stuff? So I am going to take 15 minutes out of every hour today and try to do something around the house that I have been putting off. I am going to tell myself when that lazy voice starts whining that “Whiners are not winners” and to “get off my rear and get in gear”!




Be blessed and be a blessing and remember that change is hard and it is also a VERB!