No More Lies Part 6 & 7: "Good Wifey"

I have been married 18 years and sometimes I still don't get it... 

I still don't get that I am not the band-aid  The fixer: the solution to all his problems. 

Meet lie #6 in my life: If my husband is not happy, I should "fix" it. 

The flip side of this is lie #7: If my husband is unhappy, then it is his problem. 

I have been at one extreme or the other several times in our marriage. I've had many opportunities to swing like a pendulum between them. The problem is that lie #6 goes back to being a control freak and lie #7 leaves no room for compassion or partnership. 

I married a soft-spoken, laid back guy. Opposites do attract! 

The problem with that is sometimes I need a firm hand. Not that I believe a man should lord over a wife, but I do believe a man is the spiritual head of a family and any relationship you enter into, even friendships, should make you sharper, not duller. So a marriage should make you stronger, and make you more capable of facing life. It should not be a "ball and chain", but should free you to really begin to flourish into the person you were made to be. 

"And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 KJV

 What I mean is I need someone to bounce ideas off of who isn't afraid to tell me no. I need someone who reminds me of the call of God on my life when I am discouraged or upset. I need someone that reminds me that anger may be a legitimate emotion, but acting in anger is not a good course of action. Between my husband and the Holy Spirit, I have the best teammates for life I could possibly have.

Likewise, I am to be the same for my husband. After all, this is not the Dayna Show. I should be someone who he can trust with his secrets, laugh with, cry with, pray with, and stand with against any storm.

When my husband, (who battled depression for years) had to be hospitalized for depression  ten years ago, I went into "fix it" mode. I wanted to do everything I could to make him happy. Until I realized his joy is not my responsibility. His happiness, or lack of it, is temporary and joy is a spiritual fruit. I was not the one in control of that....he was. This was a freeing thought, but a scary one too.

If I could not "fix" him then that means I might have to live with his humanity. I might have to walk in grace more. I would have to love him the way he was. That was scary, because no matter how much a girl hears "you can't fix a man" we all to some degree believe we can.

Now what? 

Now that I know it is not my job to "fix" him, I have to be careful not to become callous to his emotional needs in an effort to not live lie #6. If I am too stand-offish, then I run the risk of making him feel alone and isolated. Then I begin to live lie #7.... 

The old saying is "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" but honestly, if Daddy ain't happy, Momma won't be happy either. I have to live with intent when it comes to my marriage, after all, a strong marriage is the foundation to a strong family. If Randy and I are in sync, then it is easier for our family to be in sync. 

Here are three things I think are important and will help me balance my life with my husband: 

1. Communication - I am a talker, but not a great listener. I can work on listening to him when he expresses his thoughts/emotions about things/situations in our life. 

2. Prayer - We need to pray together. This time with each other and God helps build unity. This will help eliminate any confusion down the track about what direction we are headed or how to get there. 

3. Create Moments of Intimacy- I am not talking just sex, though that is very important. (For a great blog on that check here)  I am talking about conveying my love and honor of him in his particular love language. For him, that is quality time and words of affirmation. I want to make sure he feels loved and fueled. 

My Prayer 

Father, help me to be a better wife. A wife who loves completely, with Christ-like grace and mercy and who lives with intention when it comes to my marriage. Help me be patient. Help me remember that you are in control, and let me have a good and Godly attitude toward the man you have given me. In the name of Jesus, Amen. 

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