No More Lies Part 6 & 7: "Good Wifey"

I have been married 18 years and sometimes I still don't get it... 

I still don't get that I am not the band-aid  The fixer: the solution to all his problems. 

Meet lie #6 in my life: If my husband is not happy, I should "fix" it. 

The flip side of this is lie #7: If my husband is unhappy, then it is his problem. 

I have been at one extreme or the other several times in our marriage. I've had many opportunities to swing like a pendulum between them. The problem is that lie #6 goes back to being a control freak and lie #7 leaves no room for compassion or partnership. 

I married a soft-spoken, laid back guy. Opposites do attract! 

The problem with that is sometimes I need a firm hand. Not that I believe a man should lord over a wife, but I do believe a man is the spiritual head of a family and any relationship you enter into, even friendships, should make you sharper, not duller. So a marriage should make you stronger, and make you more capable of facing life. It should not be a "ball and chain", but should free you to really begin to flourish into the person you were made to be. 

"And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 KJV

 What I mean is I need someone to bounce ideas off of who isn't afraid to tell me no. I need someone who reminds me of the call of God on my life when I am discouraged or upset. I need someone that reminds me that anger may be a legitimate emotion, but acting in anger is not a good course of action. Between my husband and the Holy Spirit, I have the best teammates for life I could possibly have.

Likewise, I am to be the same for my husband. After all, this is not the Dayna Show. I should be someone who he can trust with his secrets, laugh with, cry with, pray with, and stand with against any storm.

When my husband, (who battled depression for years) had to be hospitalized for depression  ten years ago, I went into "fix it" mode. I wanted to do everything I could to make him happy. Until I realized his joy is not my responsibility. His happiness, or lack of it, is temporary and joy is a spiritual fruit. I was not the one in control of that....he was. This was a freeing thought, but a scary one too.

If I could not "fix" him then that means I might have to live with his humanity. I might have to walk in grace more. I would have to love him the way he was. That was scary, because no matter how much a girl hears "you can't fix a man" we all to some degree believe we can.

Now what? 

Now that I know it is not my job to "fix" him, I have to be careful not to become callous to his emotional needs in an effort to not live lie #6. If I am too stand-offish, then I run the risk of making him feel alone and isolated. Then I begin to live lie #7.... 

The old saying is "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" but honestly, if Daddy ain't happy, Momma won't be happy either. I have to live with intent when it comes to my marriage, after all, a strong marriage is the foundation to a strong family. If Randy and I are in sync, then it is easier for our family to be in sync. 

Here are three things I think are important and will help me balance my life with my husband: 

1. Communication - I am a talker, but not a great listener. I can work on listening to him when he expresses his thoughts/emotions about things/situations in our life. 

2. Prayer - We need to pray together. This time with each other and God helps build unity. This will help eliminate any confusion down the track about what direction we are headed or how to get there. 

3. Create Moments of Intimacy- I am not talking just sex, though that is very important. (For a great blog on that check here)  I am talking about conveying my love and honor of him in his particular love language. For him, that is quality time and words of affirmation. I want to make sure he feels loved and fueled. 

My Prayer 

Father, help me to be a better wife. A wife who loves completely, with Christ-like grace and mercy and who lives with intention when it comes to my marriage. Help me be patient. Help me remember that you are in control, and let me have a good and Godly attitude toward the man you have given me. In the name of Jesus, Amen. 

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Wife with a Knife or Wife for Life? The 3 things a wife needs to do to help her mate.

Becoming the wife you want to be may not be as hard as you think: becoming the wife your husband needs may require some more work. 

We are supposed to be our spouse’s helpmate. But this isn’t about helping him find his socks, helping him remember to pack a toothbrush, and it is definitely not about helping him with driving directions. GPS can handle that. This is about helping him hold his spiritual ground. 

Listen, with all the things God has for you as a couple (and your lives should work to some extent as a unit because in God’s plan you are now “One”) - the wife should serve her husband in three ways in order to help him be the spiritual leader of the house. 

The first way to serve your husband is prayer. 

As wives we need to be lifting that man up. He needs prayers for everything from “Lord, let him burp less” to “Lord, protect him from the snares of the devil.”

I cannot stress this enough. Prayer girds us up. (Gird is a weird word I know, but like a good “girdle", it is sometime necessary.) Prayer builds a wall of protection and empowers us to perform the work we are called to. 

Is your husband’s confidence shaken? Pray. Are there big decisions coming? Pray. Want to protect his heart and body from falling into temptation? Pray. Prayer based in the word, full of truth and trust in the Lord is what the bible calls fervent and effectual prayer. 

The second way a wife should serve her husband is by her actions. 

No, this one isn't about sex, though sex is important, that is another post for another day. This is about agreement.

Unity is essential to a spiritually fruitful house. As the leader of the home, your husband needs your support. This in all honestly, is probably the most difficult one for me. I am strong minded, and love a good argument. Blame it on my upbringing, my stubborn nature, or whatever; I do not like to give in. I think God calls this being “stiff necked”. 

But giving in and giving up are two different things.

When my husband and I disagree about how to handle something, he is the ultimate decision maker. That is his place. It does not mean my opinion is not heard, it means that once he has chosen the path we take, the action we do, then I shut up and take that path or perform that action. Unity is in the doing, not the saying. 

My kids have seen this first hand. My kids may not like it, but they know that if Daddy has said no, so does Mom. They can pick up fairly easily on whether or not I agree with Daddy, but they know that agreeing or disagreeing doesn't matter.

What dad said is what mom says. What dad does is what mom does. Jesus said a house divided cannot stand, and that is so true. Get on the same page with your husband. 

The third thing is this: allow God to be God.

Emasculating our spouse is never a good thing. He bears the burden and the risk for the family and when you take that from him by becoming the decision maker or by telling him how things are going to be, then you are never going to be satisfied in your marriage.

This is why we get told, “You cannot fix a man”. It is not that a man cannot change, he can, the gospel says so, no: you cannot fix a man because it is not your job to do so.

 When a man is in his place as head of the house, actively loving, not lording over, the family, then you will have a fulfilling and satisfying partnership for life. 

When your husband has made a mistake, and he will because he is human; let God and circumstances teach him, not you. You will turn into a nag and rob your husband of his personal and spiritual growth if you “correct” him or tell him “I told you so”. 

Look, as I write this I am preaching to myself, believe me. I have to be reminded of these things all of the time, but when I keep them in the forefront of our marriage, I see God’s blessings. I see my husband having to seek God for himself, and the fruit that grows out of that, our whole family gets to enjoy. 

Don’t be a wife with a knife, cutting off God’s blessings before they are fully formed, be a wife for life and actively support your husband with prayer, in agreement and unity, and allow God to do the guiding, not you. These three things will make you the wife you should be and make you husband stronger along the way!