No More Lies Part 6 & 7: "Good Wifey"

I have been married 18 years and sometimes I still don't get it... 

I still don't get that I am not the band-aid  The fixer: the solution to all his problems. 

Meet lie #6 in my life: If my husband is not happy, I should "fix" it. 

The flip side of this is lie #7: If my husband is unhappy, then it is his problem. 

I have been at one extreme or the other several times in our marriage. I've had many opportunities to swing like a pendulum between them. The problem is that lie #6 goes back to being a control freak and lie #7 leaves no room for compassion or partnership. 

I married a soft-spoken, laid back guy. Opposites do attract! 

The problem with that is sometimes I need a firm hand. Not that I believe a man should lord over a wife, but I do believe a man is the spiritual head of a family and any relationship you enter into, even friendships, should make you sharper, not duller. So a marriage should make you stronger, and make you more capable of facing life. It should not be a "ball and chain", but should free you to really begin to flourish into the person you were made to be. 

"And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 KJV

 What I mean is I need someone to bounce ideas off of who isn't afraid to tell me no. I need someone who reminds me of the call of God on my life when I am discouraged or upset. I need someone that reminds me that anger may be a legitimate emotion, but acting in anger is not a good course of action. Between my husband and the Holy Spirit, I have the best teammates for life I could possibly have.

Likewise, I am to be the same for my husband. After all, this is not the Dayna Show. I should be someone who he can trust with his secrets, laugh with, cry with, pray with, and stand with against any storm.

When my husband, (who battled depression for years) had to be hospitalized for depression  ten years ago, I went into "fix it" mode. I wanted to do everything I could to make him happy. Until I realized his joy is not my responsibility. His happiness, or lack of it, is temporary and joy is a spiritual fruit. I was not the one in control of that....he was. This was a freeing thought, but a scary one too.

If I could not "fix" him then that means I might have to live with his humanity. I might have to walk in grace more. I would have to love him the way he was. That was scary, because no matter how much a girl hears "you can't fix a man" we all to some degree believe we can.

Now what? 

Now that I know it is not my job to "fix" him, I have to be careful not to become callous to his emotional needs in an effort to not live lie #6. If I am too stand-offish, then I run the risk of making him feel alone and isolated. Then I begin to live lie #7.... 

The old saying is "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" but honestly, if Daddy ain't happy, Momma won't be happy either. I have to live with intent when it comes to my marriage, after all, a strong marriage is the foundation to a strong family. If Randy and I are in sync, then it is easier for our family to be in sync. 

Here are three things I think are important and will help me balance my life with my husband: 

1. Communication - I am a talker, but not a great listener. I can work on listening to him when he expresses his thoughts/emotions about things/situations in our life. 

2. Prayer - We need to pray together. This time with each other and God helps build unity. This will help eliminate any confusion down the track about what direction we are headed or how to get there. 

3. Create Moments of Intimacy- I am not talking just sex, though that is very important. (For a great blog on that check here)  I am talking about conveying my love and honor of him in his particular love language. For him, that is quality time and words of affirmation. I want to make sure he feels loved and fueled. 

My Prayer 

Father, help me to be a better wife. A wife who loves completely, with Christ-like grace and mercy and who lives with intention when it comes to my marriage. Help me be patient. Help me remember that you are in control, and let me have a good and Godly attitude toward the man you have given me. In the name of Jesus, Amen. 

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The (in)Significant Other- Part 5 in the Prioritize Your Life Series

So somewhere in your list of priorities may or may not be your spouse. 

Biblically spouses should rank pretty high on the list. 

This is not always the case and that has lead to unhappy marriages, disenfranchised children and even divorce. 

As Christians we should have a leg up on the secular world when it comes to marriage, but some how we look the exact same. 

I believe it is because there is a fundamental lack of understanding of what a Godly marriage looks like and where our spouses should rank as priorities. 

Ephesians 5:21-31says: 

"Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." 

 There is so much to cover on this topic, but I want to concentrate on just a few things for this series. 

Mutual Submission

So many people read this passage and concentrate only on the "wives submit to your husbands" part. That is important, but do not forget the verse before it. 

"Submitting yourselves to one another in the fear (respectful submission) of the Lord." 

The man is the head in all things spiritual, and the wife should submit to his lead and guidance. (When the husband is unsaved and the wife is, the woman should submit in all other areas with Christ as her spiritual head until her husband is won for Christ and matured in his faith.)

But the responsibility of the man is so much higher than that of the woman. He is called to love his wife like Christ loves the church. 

What does that look like? 

• Christ laid down his life for the church. 
• Christ prays for the church
• Christ provides for the church

Body Check

Have you ever seen a person who bathed every part of their body except for their arm? Or only eat every other day? 

No? Why not? 

Because bathing everything but an arm would  not make sense would it? Eating every other day would lead to malnutrition. 

In  marriage we are one before God. In the passage above Paul says  "

men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it"

When we place a priority on our spouses we let them know that first they are important and secondly they are worth our focus. 


Ignoring our spouses can lead to relational malnutrition and eventually to relationship starvation. 

The Check List

For every couple this may be a little different, but generally there are three areas that need to be healthy to maintain a fruitful and loving relationship. These may not be in the order you prefer, but then again this is about priorities, so feel free to prioritize them for yourself. 

1. Time. Spend time with one another. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes it easier for the heart to wander. Go on dates. Close yourself off in a room on a Saturday morning and just enjoy laughing together. Rent a $1 movie from one of those machines on a Tuesday and snuggle up after the kids are down and have some popcorn. Time together is crucial. 
2. Communication. Talk about  more than the bills, or what happened at work. Talk about dreams, talk about Jesus, talk about your mutual priorities and then support one another in those things. Most importantly, pray together and pray for one another! 
3. Sex. Give to one another generously. Honor each other with your bodies. Keep your body JUST FOR YOUR SPOUSE and remember that God made sex to bond us together in love and respect. Sex that denigrates should not have a place in a Godly marriage. 

Paying attention to these things (placing a priority means focusing on something and then following through with actions) will help you  relationship thrive. 


The significance we place on one another is so important. Do not make your spouse feel less than because you forgot to make them a priority in your life. They deserve more than being relegated to the (in)Significant other. 


How do you make your spouse feel special? 

The Naked Truth about Sexual Sin: Part One

Photo Credit Creative Commons

Let’s talk about sex. 

There are those that would say that a big part of self-discovery has to do with sexuality. I say they are wrong. 

Sex is meant for one place: marriage. 

Does that make you angry? Well I won’t apologize for what the Bible says. 

Genesis 2:23-25 And Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. 

Here we see God’s plan for sex in a marriage. Broken down it looks like this (AND in this order!): 

1. Leave Mom and Dad (to marry) 
2. Cleave (faithfully committed in marriage) 
3. Sex (begins the soul ties and weaving two people into one flesh) 
4. There is no guilt or shame in what they do because they are within God’s boundaries. 

Isn't this an antiquated system and not relevant anymore? 

No. The case for sex within marriage has never been stronger. 

The most recent report from the CDC (2010) stated “STDs are public health problems that lack easy solutions because they are rooted in human behavior and fundamental societal problems”

The report goes on to say “Estimates suggest that even though young people aged 15–24 years represent only 25% of the sexually experienced population, they acquire nearly half of all new STDs.”

That is just a small portion of a 17 year study by the CDC, and addresses only the physical aspects of unsafe sex. Let’s explore other aspects now. 

First, what is sexual sin? 

A: Sex outside of marriage. This includes premarital sex, adultery, oral sex, and masturbation. 

But this post isn't about a list of rules about going too far. I don’t care about bases, homeruns or any other metaphor for pushing boundaries. Sex outside of the design of God (i.e. within marriage) is wrong. Sin is missing the mark or the standard God has set. (If you are not aiming at that goal, you will miss it.) 

Sex outside of marriage is damaging. I know. I was sexually active at 15 and though I did not have sex again until my husband. I was left bereft of the joy of discovery with my God-chosen partner. I also was left wide open to exploring more sexual sin since I knew what sex outside of marriage already was. 

But it feels good. 

There is pleasure in sin – for a season. Then the consequences begin to pile up. 

· Pregnancy 
· Loneliness 
· Abuse 
· Disease 
· Guilt 
· Self-loathing 
· Anger 
· Mistrust 

When a couple gets the order wrong, drama ensues. It ramps up a relationship before it is ready for it. Marriage changes everything. 

Gene and Shannon. Photo Credit Creative Commons

Ask Gene Simmons. 

Gene Simmons, founder of the rock band KISS and star of the reality TV show “Gene Simmons' Family Jewels” bragged for years about his many sexual exploits. He even wrote books about it. 

Now, after decades of promiscuity, Gene is paying the price for it in his marriage to Shannon Tweed-Simmons, who he has two adult children with, but only recently married. The couple is seeing a counselor and trying to regain trust and emotional stability after years of living outside the bonds of marriage. 

In one episode recently, Shannon burned thousands of pictures of women Gene had been with. Can you imagine the damage to not just him, but all those women out there who bound themselves spiritually to Gene when they joined physically with him? 

Shannon seemed to and she was moved to tears by it all. 

While this makes for riveting TV I cannot imagine it makes for a happy life and marriage. 

So what do you do with how you feel right now? 

Sex outside of marriage comes down to 2 core issues: Heart and Self-Control. 

Heart: 

First, sexual sin is no worse or better than any other sin. Really. Sin is sin. 

There are some that God dislikes more, but all sins bring you short of God’s plans for you. 

The Complete Jewish Bible says “Create in me a clean heart, God; renew in me a resolute spirit.” 

When we lust in our hearts, we exalt something higher than God. This brings our focus off of the Father and onto the object of our lust. Like driving a car, where your eyes are focused, that is where you steer the car towards. 

Self-Control: 

There is another scripture that says “Do not awaken love until the time is right” Song of Solomon 8:4 (NLT) 

Paul even admonished the church in Corinth (which had a highly sexualized culture – as do we) to run from sexual sin. Not just fight the urges or set boundaries for where to stop making out. He said RUN!

You are the only one that can control you. You have to become resolute to always hold yourself to God’s standard and to remove yourself from situations that may lead to opportunities to sin. 

Here are some hints to making this easier: 

1. Do not be alone together. Double date and when the night is over drop the ladies off first. Better yet, go on group dates/events. 
2. Be Accountable. Find someone other than your boyfriend to be accountable to. A parent, a friend, a minister. 
3. Make a plan. Like a plan to escape a burning building, you need a plan for when things get too hot. What do you do? What do you say? Where do you go? 

The naked truth about sexual sin is this: sex outside of God’s design is wrong. 

“Aim for nothing and you’ll hit it every time.” In other words: Stay on target! God has set the standard and you need to aim for it. 

Do you think staying a virgin until marriage is possible? Why or why not?

The 4 Laws of a Happy Marriage

Want a Happy Marriage? 

Then follow the law...

Like anything else; physics, math, a State or a Nation, there are laws for a marriage. Follow the laws and the marriage will have a long happy life. Break the laws and there are consequences.

Genesis 2: 24-25 says: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not shamed. 

LAW 1: LEAVE 

No one wants a mama’s boy. Seriously! Cut the apron strings. If you are place more value and importance on what Mom says, does, or thinks than you do your wife, you are in for a very rocky road. 

We are called to leave mom and dad for a reason. Men, you are called to leave mom and dad because you have to stop being the child and start being a leader. 

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Ephesians 5:23

Woman, you need to let go as well. Your mom is probably an awesome lady, but she does not need to know everything that goes on in your marriage! Your Daddy is a great guy, but you don’t need to let him be the most important man in your life anymore. That should be your spouse. 

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Ephesians 5:22

Paul said something that I think is applicable to marriage here. In Philippians he said he forgets what is behind and reaches for what is ahead. Do the same thing in your marriage. 

LAW 2: CLEAVE 

Dictionary.com defines cleave as this: to adhere closely; stick; cling (usually followed by to ). to remain faithful 

This is the law of pursuit. Do not stop trying to chase each other. Just because you’re married does not mean you can give up the chase. Your spouse needs to feel valued, needs to feel special. You need to tell your spouse through your actions that if you had the choice, you would pick her/him again. 

Do things together. Get a hobby or pass time that you both enjoy and make a decision to spend that time together. This is a matter of priorities. 

Also, protect one another here. If you are chasing your spouse, that means they are too busy with you to notice the guy at work chasing her, or the woman at church (yes THAT happens) trying to get close to your man! There are people out there who would swoop in to break you up; not because of some Machiavellian scheme, but because Satan hates marriage and will do anything he can to destroy it! 

LAW 3: BECOME ONE FLESH 

This law has 2 parts: the physical and the spiritual. 

Physically, well, that is the fun part. Sex is good. God created it to be in a marriage with one man, one woman, loving one another in a physical and visceral way. 

There is holiness to it, a joy in it, and it should not be a task, a job, or a chore ladies. This is a fun, explorative, and exciting time that should not be shared with anyone other than your spouse. (The cleave law sneaks back in) 

Now for the spiritual part of this law: 

Spiritually unity is a must in a marriage. The two of you must be on the same page. I have already talked about how Satan wants to destroy the marriage. This is the reason why. When two people are in agreement and God is the focus of their marriage, then there is nothing they cannot withstand. 

Ecclesiastes 4:2 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 

LAW 4: NO SHAME 

More on sex so let me break this down: 

1. There should be only you and your mate in the bed. 

2. There should be no porn in your marriage. 

3. There should only be exalting and exhortation of one another in the bedroom NO UGLY WORDS NEEDED! 

(If you want a frank discourse on what should go on in the marriage bed, I highly recommend The Good Girls Guild to Great Sex by Shelia Wray Gregorie. ) 

Sex is an announcement physically, spiritually, and emotionally, that you belong to one another. Why would you mistreat one another in this intimate time? Why does she have to say dirty words, or why are you calling her a female dog? What is romantic, special or sacred about that? NOTHING! 

Treat your marriage bed with the respect it deserves. It, like the temple in the bible your spouse’s body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Would you defile the temple of God? Would you shout profanities at the Holy Spirit to make your next few moments more intense? 

1 Corinthians 3:16-17(KJV) Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are. 

These laws are God’s design for marriage. Like the law of gravity these laws just are. I did not make them up. Here they are in the bible for all to see. They are there because God designed us to not be alone: we are stronger together. 

Join the Conversation: 

In a wedding ceremony I have heard it read like this: “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother” , so I ask you, is your marriage a “cause” worth fighting for?

Victory over Monsters: a Personal Testimony of Overcoming Homosexuality

Rashad McConico is a Freshman at Texas Tech in Lubbuck, Texas. He recently shared a testimony with his friends and family and I wanted to share it here for you. 

When we struggle for a long time with an issue, sometimes it is difficult to not grow weary. Rashad has continued to press forward, serving God with all his heart. His transparency can be felt as you read his words in this guest post. 

Read more »

Valentine's Day Gripes

Okay- it is Valentine’s Day and I don’t know how to say this, but I am not a fan.

Too many young ladies grow up thinking that today is about some ultimate “fantasy man” fulfillment. That on this day, as if by magic, doors will be held open, chairs will be pulled out and romance will ooze from the pores of their significant other.

When this does not happen, there are broken hearts, bruised egos, and in some instances, broken relationships. Don’t even get me started on the people, both men and women, who think that Valentine’s Day can only be a good day if you are in a relationship, or at least “hooking up” with someone. Otherwise it is a pit of despair and despondency.

Let’s talk about relationships, what God says and how it applies today.

First, brotherly love for one another is necessary before any romantic love is ever alluded to.  Because we are free, a sign of that freedom is our love for one another, and the quality of that love. I John 4:7 says love one another for God IS Love, and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God.

Now, I know that I may rock the boat here too, but there is no dating in the Bible, and I don’t believe in it. I am not saying that arranged marriages are the only way to go. I believe that when you really follow God, He lays your path straight and as your prospective spouse follows God, their path is straight and it will merge with yours for a season. Dating without the intention of marriage only leaves both your hearts and your bodies vulnerable.

The only example I can give you is this- my own life. My husband, Randy, and I met when he was home from Bible school around Christmas. He had been asking God about a wife (he was 24 at the time) and he felt God direct him to read the story of Esther. The celebration the Jewish people had after all the high drama was done, included gift giving, so it made Randy think that at Christmas time is when he would meet the person he would marry.

God did not tell me that. I had to be won. First, we became friends, and that was easy enough because we had several friends in common. But it was months before I was ready to even consider a relationship with Randy and then the only reason I thought “maybe…” was because I felt safe with a long-distance relationship. (His Bible school was in Dallas and I was four hours away.)  Through letters, cards and phone conversations we got to really know one another as friends, and I knew where he stood with his feelings and commitment level because he told three months into our friendship “No matter how old we are, as long as you are my friend and in my life, I can be happy, what I cannot do is lose you completely.”  Pretty heady and romantic stuff, but needed.

I say it was needed because of this: God patterns all of our relationships by His standards. We love Him because he first loved us, well; it is the same for a man and a woman. When we know, I mean really know, that a man will not love another and that he will wait for love, THEN we can love him in return.  That is why it is so crucial that we keep ourselves pure and blameless before God, saving ourselves for marriage. SEX IS FOR MARRIAGE- not Valentine’s Day or Prom night, or because your curious and everybody is doing it.

It took three months of Randy pursuing me, before I agreed to more than friends, then six days later I agreed to be his wife. That was nearly 18 years ago. Our marriage has sometimes worked, sometimes not, but three things have held it together, and will continue to hold it together for many years to come.

The first is that we both have relationship with God.

The second is that we are committed to love one another, even if we don’t seem loveable in the moment.

Finally, the third is that we respect each other.

No matter our differences, and there are many, we are after all human; we afford each other the respect the other deserves because our spouse is God’s child. We were each bought with a price and he is worth more than I could ever pay for if I damaged him.

 So as another Valentine’s Day comes and goes, remember this: God does not want man to be alone, but there is a season to everything and if this is not your time, it will come. If you are already married, commit to love. Move forward in love and respect one another. Do not get caught in the trap of the world’s ways, but love one another the way God intended. Like Christ loves the church- completely!

Be blessed and be a blessing and remember that love is an ACTION verb.