How to Overcome the If-only's and What-if's

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I have a problem. 

I want to write some sweet short story that will describe how I feel right now, or perhaps a scathing tirade on the sanctity of marriage and the heartbreak of divorce, but I cannot bring myself to do it. 

Why? 

Because my heart is too busy breaking. 

My friend, Darla*, who in the last year has pulled farther and farther away from me, has left her husband, filed for divorce and let her life fall to shambles. Speaking to her husband the other day was painful and sad because I know what that marriage could have been, and now it lies on the edge of ruin. 

Of course, I have no control over her actions, especially since she and I have not been as close as we once were, but this makes me wonder, was I a good friend when we were close? Could I have helped more? 

This kind of thinking can go two ways. 

1. It can lead to a productive self-assessment of my heart and actions and lead me to make positive changes going forward in other relationships or 

2. It can lead to a guilt ridden pity party filled with if only’s. 

So I am going to choose the first option. 

Self-Assessment 

Self-assessment is a critical part of personal growth. We cruise through life with blinders on if we never really examine ourselves. Self-assessment is crucial to figuring out ways in which we can improve our lives and it requires three things: honesty, a light (the Word), and a broom (A contrite heart). 

Honesty 

Call a spade a spade. I was not a good friend to Darla. I was extremely worldly and way too free with my behavior when I was with her. If I were to be honest I can say I was a bad influence at times. We were friends for about four years. For the first year we were good. The second year we began to take on each other’s offences (another post for another day) and instead of applying the word to our lives we began to revert back to pre-Christ attitudes about church, the people at church and all things spiritual. 

This attitude was prevalent for the next few years. Then, about a year ago, I began to walk back to God and she didn't. She told me almost a year ago she was considering leaving her husband. I told her she was going down a wrong path. I reminded her of the Word and I pointed her toward counseling and Jesus. She was not happy with my advice. We grew apart. Soon she wouldn't even return my phone calls. 

The Light 

Let’s shine some light on this. The word says In Proverbs “The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.” I was not a good friend to Darla in the last few years of our relationship. Proverbs 27:5 also says “A truly good friend will openly correct you” In the end, I tried to be a better friend, and it was not welcomed. 

Later in the same chapter of Proverbs it says “Just as iron sharpens iron, a person sharpens the character of his friend.” 

This is the standard for my friendships now. I need to be iron in their lives and they need to be iron for me. We should hold each other up to the standard of the word and learn from one another how to better walk with Christ. 

A Broom 

It is time to sweep clean my old heart and repent. Father please forgive me for being a bad friend. Now is the time where I do not live in condemnation of the “would have should have could have” combos but in the grace that God gives all those that ask for forgiveness. 

This grace is a beautiful place full of peace and rest. Here God can gently speak love and mercy and I can learn that there is hope for me and hope for Darla too. 

Here I cut out the soul ties left behind by my friendship with Darla and I sweep them out. I will always be open to a returning relationship with her, but by the standards of Proverbs 27: 17...as iron sharpens iron. 

Here I ask for wisdom to build myself up, so that if Darla returns I can welcome her with the gentleness and love she deserves and through that love, win her back to Christ. 

Moving Forward 

I will not live in the if-only's and the what-if's for the rest of my life. Moving forward will not be easy. I am grieving not just my friend, but her marriage, her choices, and on behalf of her children. I just hope that the lessons I learn through this can make me a better friend in the future to those women God brings in my path. 

Have you ever had a friendship change because of your faith?


If you enjoyed this post, you may also like: Child of Divorce, Child of God-My Story, A Crisis in the Body of Christ, and The 3 Keys to Rebooting Your Life After Divorce

*The name of my friend has been changed to protect her family's privacy and out of respect for her husband and children. 

Have We Strayed?

He loved her. 

Beyond reason or logic, he was overwhelmed by her. She was nothing, a harlot, and he went out of his way to prove his love to her. 

He bought her out of her slavery to her pimp. He brought her into a home full of all the amenities a woman could ask for. He provided well for her, and in the beginning, it seemed like it might be okay. They had three kids, and while their marriage was anything but normal, for a moment, it looked like things might work out. 

Until she left. 

Back to prostitution she ran. Whoring and partying were too strong a pull for her. Domestic, safe, and normal were not her speed. She had to be free! 

Still, knowing that she had run into the arms of others, Hosea loved his wife, Gomer. Eventually, after the consequences of her debauchery and sin caught up with her, she returned to her husband. He treated her as if she had never left. Loving her beyond her worth and showering her with blessings. 

The Lesson

The book of Hosea is not a long one. One of the books of prophecy, it is an allegory for the children of Israel, who had left an exclusive relationship with God and whored around with other nations and religions. God was teaching us something too. 

He is faithful and His love never fails. 

In today’s world, is it much different with us? As Christians do we fully commit to a life fully surrendered to God or do we still want our way, and then ask God to “bless” our plans because we have our lives all mapped out? Do not give God your “plans” and ask Him to bless them, give Him your life and He will bless it. The Bible says, God will make your paths straight. 

I know that I have asked my kids that question so many have asked theirs; “what do you want to be when you grow up?” We have pushed our agendas and the world’s standards on our kids and ourselves for too long. Instead of the godly path, we have pushed the Ivy League path, the military path, or the Hollywood path. Instead of being more loyal to God and His precepts we have cried out for freedom. 

We have been Gomer. 

How can we as a people, called individually as God’s children, and collectively as His bride, get back to where we need to be?

My prayer in the night!

Father, I cry out to you. You, O lord are in Heaven, full of grace and mercy on Your throne. You who dwells in the hearts of man, whose love pours out over the nations, whose eyes roam the earth to and fro. To You I cry and come before You now.


In my soul I am disquieted. I ache with the pain of my lack. I have failed to trust You. I have raised money to a status above You. Forgive me O lord; I know what You have said. No man can serve two masters. Lord, I repent. I have not truly looked to You as my source. I have not relied on You as I should. I repent and I am determined to change.


Change my heart Father God. Renew in me a right spirit. One that is upright before you, one without shame, shade, or turning. Let me be transparent before You now. Cleanse me and purify my heart o Lord. I want You, and the things of You in my life. I do not accept lack, I do not accept my “place” when it is inferior to what You have designed for me. I will not be weighed down by these lies. I deserve more as Your child. You have plans for me. You have a path for me. You o Lord have designed me for a purpose. I am yours to wield.


Where I lack You are enough. Where I need, You are sufficient. You are my supply, and You are endless. YOU ARE MY SUPPLY AND YOU ARE ENDLESS! Your love and mercy are new every morning. You are more faithful than the sun. You are the mighty creator, and You love me. You make covenant with me, you broke Your Son’s body for me; Your love is endless, matchless and without measure. Teach me O Lord to be like You. To trust You. To lean into You. To sit and be still to know that You are here. In your presence IS fullness. I will not go hungry, I will not be left a beggar, In you I have everything I need. In you I LIVE, I BREATHE, and Have my being!


You sing over me, songs of love, songs of comfort, and songs of life. You are all I have needed, and I will look to You. I will look to Your holy hill and know my help is on the way.


Examine me lord. Open me up, lay me bare. Grow me from the inside out. Rejuvenate, remake, remodel me into Your image, as You intended from the beginning. You o Lord are my shelter, my fortress. Under Your wing will I stay and I will trust in you all the days of my life.


You knew me in my mother’s womb, You saw me before I was ever made. You knew all my faults, mistakes, and failings and you loved me anyway. You are so good. I praise you O God! To you I declare my love and abiding faith. In you I am grafted. In You I dwell. In your city, on Your holy hill, I will kneel before You, singing your praise and weeping in Your presence.


You Father know my needs before I do. You are already making a way where there seems to be no way. You are the one whose footsteps I follow. I listen for Your melodic, warm voice as it leads me along still waters. You are the lifter of my head, the lover of my soul, my true and mighty king. You are all I need. I will not forget, but when I do forget, Your Spirit will remind me. You are my help in this and every moment. I love You, I worship You. Majestic Righteous, Omnipotent Savior. Mighty God, in whom I will place my trust! To Him who sits on the throne, all glory, all power, all might. You are great and greatly to be praised. Lamb of God, Eternal Brother, Savior, King. I love You Lord. Amen.