CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

Photo Credit: Creative Commons 

I walk a fine line. 

I am caught between the world and my home. 

I long for moments with my Father: moments when His grace and love are so real that my heart breaks and my knees weaken and my voice cries out. These are the moments I live for. Intimate moments. Moments when I not only tell my Father that I love Him, but I hear Him whisper back to me. 

I hear His song...  of love, of grace, and of change. 

Then there are the times when I am bogged down by this world. Bills, and kids, and salesmen knocking on the door all distract me from what my heart longs to do. 

Now I know why Paul remained single. 

Not that I would give up my husband or my children. I love them and I know they are gifts from my Father. I am grateful for these things. 

I am also human. I am selfish. I want... more. 

More of God in my life. More people hearing about Jesus, More love, more power, more of God in me. I am selfish. 

My heart cries out. My heart yearns to see peoples lives turned around! I want my children to burn with passion for Jesus. I long for my husband to live in the freedom God has designed just for him. 

Opening my heart up, and giving God more of me than I ever have before, I surrender it all. 

My pain. Here it is... 

My joy, belongs to Him. 

My hope, wrapped up in His hands. 

My future, my calling, my life.... all His. 

I surrender. Everything! 

I do not know what will happen. I only know what I want to happen. It won't always go the way I plan. I will face disappointment and heartache. I will have trials, hardships, and difficulties. The difference is now, I am not alone. 

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

God has a purpose. Nothing that happens in my life can derail that purpose as long as I am surrendered to Him. As long as I seek Him first, all that I need will be added. I will not want. I will find rest. My joy will remain, and even more, it will be full. 

I am amazed. 

I stand in awe of God's goodness and His faithfulness. 

I hope you know this same awe. I hope that you know what surrender is like. Like floating on your back in a  cool pool while the sun warms your face... 

Here is a song that I hope ministers to you. 

I Surrender-- Again

Confession Time

I haven't written in days. The mini vacation was nice. Yet, I find myself reluctant to get back into the swing of things. I have used the down time to finish reading a book or two and start a new one.

I spent time with the kids, worked at the church, and found out I have time-management issues. I have heard this before but now I see it in a new way.

Dishes, doctor's appointments, tire buying, clothes washing and many other little chores did not get done in a timely manner. Perhaps it is the time of year. I want to slow down and surrender to the quiet family time this time of year brings.

Perhaps it is more to do with the fact that I am just being lazy.

I used to joke about there being a hidden tattoo on my body that said "Inherently lazy", but I was too apathetic to look for it. Yet, out of the mouth, the heart speaks.

So what am I going to do? I do not know. I do know that I have a song on my heart. Hillsong's new album "Cornerstone" is on my heart, but in particular is this song: "I Surrender".

The old hymn "I Surrender All" played as God dropped the idea of this blog into my heart almost a year ago. It seems appropriate that as the anniversary of this blog's beginning approaches that a similar song is stirring in my heart.

Lord have your way in me.

I just wanted to share this with you today and I hope that it will stir you to surrender to what God has for you and what He wants to do in you.

Join the Conversation: 

How can I pray for you today?

Follow the Leader

Original Photo:CC. Edits by Dayna Bickham

"You're Doing it Wrong!" 

Remember the playground game "Follow the Leader"? 

I do. I always wanted to be the leader. I did not like following. I was strong willed and always thought I knew best. My favorite phrase was "You're doing it wrong!" I was not a gracious child....

How upside down and inside out Jesus turned my world. Now I follow Him, trying to be exactly like Him, and somehow, I am always falling short. 

The good news is His grace covers the gaps. 

Trust Issues

My need to control, to be the leader, points out a very real issue I have had to deal with many times and in many ways: trust. 

When we do not trust, we fear. There is no way around it. Trust and fear are opposites. I do not want to be ruled by fear. I have had enough of the dark days of "what if" and "Oh no". I want to live in the light. I want to be free to completely trust that if I obey God's voice, then He will never let me down. 

So when God prompts you to go speak to someone, will you obey? What if He tells you to give your last dollar to the woman who lives under the overpass, would you do it? What if He told you that person was not "the one" for you, would you walk away? 

God wants our whole life, not just a part of our lives. He wants our whole heart, not just a piece on Sundays. 

"For the Lord thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24

This jealousy is not just about God controlling everything. This jealousy is about relationship. God wants you to trust Him with every part of you. Your heart. Your body. Your finances. Your future. Your past. Your hopes. Your dreams. Everything! 

Before Fear Comes Intimidation

Bullies on the playground are not really feared until after they have done a little intimidation. The intimidation factor is an important component to any enemy's strategy. Too little and they will not achieve the desired effect. Too much intimidation and it may cause the powers that be to notice and take action. 

Isn't this exactly how our enemy deals with us when it comes to obedience to the Lord? He brings the intimidation factor and we fold under the pressure and do not obey. 

"If you do that, people will think you are weird!"  

"If you give your last dollar, what will you do later?"

"If you do not hold on to this guy, no one will ever love you again!" 

This internal dialogue happens all the time. Even Jesus had it. What do you think His time in the desert was? 

He battled with the enemy and He won. Because He trusted what God said in His word, and because He knew, that like any bully, Satan is powerless in the face of truth and courage. 

Before Trust Comes Surrender

Surrender. Abandon. Total trust. These words and phrases are easy enough concepts to understand, but difficult to live out. Why? Because our free will gets in the way. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, what "broke" was more than a way to fellowship with God, even more than sin. The fall broke our focus. We no longer look to God as our source for everything. Now we look to ourselves. This creates it's own set of issues. 

We can never be the solution to our problems because we are our problem. 

We have to give up our selves. Turn ourselves "in" to God and surrender our rights, our will, our emotions, our fear, our heartache, our hopes, our fears, all of it. Without total surrender there cannot be total trust. 

As I wrap up this post I want to remind you of the "trust fall". If you have not seen this done, a person turns their back to another, then falls with complete abandon backwards, trusting that the person behind them will catch them. 

Jesus has us. He will not forsake us. 

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Have We Strayed?

He loved her. 

Beyond reason or logic, he was overwhelmed by her. She was nothing, a harlot, and he went out of his way to prove his love to her. 

He bought her out of her slavery to her pimp. He brought her into a home full of all the amenities a woman could ask for. He provided well for her, and in the beginning, it seemed like it might be okay. They had three kids, and while their marriage was anything but normal, for a moment, it looked like things might work out. 

Until she left. 

Back to prostitution she ran. Whoring and partying were too strong a pull for her. Domestic, safe, and normal were not her speed. She had to be free! 

Still, knowing that she had run into the arms of others, Hosea loved his wife, Gomer. Eventually, after the consequences of her debauchery and sin caught up with her, she returned to her husband. He treated her as if she had never left. Loving her beyond her worth and showering her with blessings. 

The Lesson

The book of Hosea is not a long one. One of the books of prophecy, it is an allegory for the children of Israel, who had left an exclusive relationship with God and whored around with other nations and religions. God was teaching us something too. 

He is faithful and His love never fails. 

In today’s world, is it much different with us? As Christians do we fully commit to a life fully surrendered to God or do we still want our way, and then ask God to “bless” our plans because we have our lives all mapped out? Do not give God your “plans” and ask Him to bless them, give Him your life and He will bless it. The Bible says, God will make your paths straight. 

I know that I have asked my kids that question so many have asked theirs; “what do you want to be when you grow up?” We have pushed our agendas and the world’s standards on our kids and ourselves for too long. Instead of the godly path, we have pushed the Ivy League path, the military path, or the Hollywood path. Instead of being more loyal to God and His precepts we have cried out for freedom. 

We have been Gomer. 

How can we as a people, called individually as God’s children, and collectively as His bride, get back to where we need to be?

LIVE WITHOUT FEAR

FEAR PARALYZES 

If you want to get my skin to crawl say the word “spider”. I hate the things. 

Now for all of you who like the fact that they kill other bugs, thereby protecting your gardens, and they are more scared of you than you are of them crowd, I say, well...yeah…whatever. I fight tears every time I am near one. I know that in the grand scheme of things this fear is irrational and petty, but it is something I need to overcome. 

There are other things that I am afraid of too. Things that are not as corporeal as spiders. Things like fear of failure and the fear of rejection. 

These fears are more common than you think. Next time you are in a crowd, look to your left, look to your right: chances are one of those people have at least one of these hang-ups. I have no farther to look than in the mirror. 

I know where these things come from. I am a kid of divorce and after several different types of separations from loved ones as a young person, I became highly sensitized to any form of rejection. As a matter of course, I became so highly attuned to rejection; I began to react before anyone had a chance to reject me. I became the emotional equivalent to the porcupine. I was a jerk. I saw offense and slight were there was none, or blew little things up until they were huge things. 

For me the fear of failure also stems from some similar circumstances. My relationships never seemed to work out; I couldn't keep friends, or really make quality friends. I had moderate success at work, but something always seemed to go wrong, and I never could quite make a go of anything in my career. I began giving up before I even tried, because that seemed easier than failing later. 

Though I had all this potential, an IQ in the low 130s, moderately educated, my friends called me a fountain of useless knowledge: and that is how I felt: useless. Then something happened. 

I SURRENDERED 

I took a real look at what it meant to be fearful. Stuck, cowardly, whining and living my life like a victim was all fear ever got me. I was tired of it. I wanted to be confident. I wanted to be authoritative. I wanted to live without fear of rejection or failure. 

So I gave it all up. I gave God my fear, my pain, my hurt, and I asked for courage: courage to do something, anything, and have success in it. 

It hasn't been easy. 

When I first give something to God I sometimes treat it like the baggage claim area of an airport. I lay my baggage down, watch it leave through a little whole in the wall, and then I stand there, waiting. 

Sure enough, it comes back around again. 

I know my baggage immediately. 

It has been mine for a while. 

I have lugged it around for years. I know the weight of it, the way the handle feels in my hand. The temptation to pick it back up again is there. But in order to surrender fully to the experience of giving my burdens to God, I have to walk away from the conveyor. 

You do too. 

Once we do, we are filled with relief. We no longer bare the weight of our burden, and we realize how truly light God’s love makes us. 

Joshua 1:9 says this:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

So lay your burdens and your baggage down. Let go of the fear, and just know God has you, and He has this, whatever “this” is. 

What are you letting go?

Something Weird Happened

I recently lead Praise and Worship at a friend’s church. It was a strange experience for me. Not because I had to sing with CDs, but because I have not lead in years. 

One of my childhood dreams was to be the next Amy Grant. I wanted to sing Christian music to massive amounts of people. I have been a praise and worship leader before, I have sung on a Hosanna Integrity album (Holy Fire) as a choir member, and I sung lots of Karaoke when I was not serving God, yet there has been a gap of so many years of not singing that I had not only let the dream go, I had forgotten I ever had it. 

To be honest, I never thought I would ever lead praise and worship again. 

I was talking with a friend I have not seen in nearly a year and she said something that I found extremely profound. 

“I have learned to trust God and to completely surrender, because when I say things like, “I never” or “that can’t happen” then God has a way of throwing me into a situation that challenges those statements. Weird stuff happens.”

Recently I wrote a small note to God about surrender. I write these little notes to hold myself accountable. I know God heard me when I said it, but I say so many things I wanted to make sure I heard it where it counts: in my heart. This is what it said: 

Lord,

I surrender

My fears

The lies I believed

The lies I have told

My emotions

My hang-ups

My broken parts

I surrender

My expectations

My pride

My hopes

I surrender

What I do “understand”

And what I don’t

I surrender

My arguments

My rationalizations

I surrender ME!

I have to surrender to God, to trust Him fully. I need to walk out my faith and act like I believe what I say I believe. 

I know God restores things to us. Maybe even my singing. It is a talent I buried years ago. I never thought I would ever use it for God again. Then something weird happened.

Question: Can you share a time something similar happened to you?