Wrecked: When God Slams Into My Brokenness

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

Meet Holy Spirit Barbie

I hung up the phone with her and tried to quell the panic attack beginning in my mind. 

I had just invited someone I had very little in common with to be my mentor. If I had not felt God tell me to do this, I would wonder if I had gone mad. 

She is like Holy Spirit Barbie. So beautiful and Christ-like you want to play with her, but God is already busy moving her around and blessing her with a "Dream". Or so she sometimes seems to me. 

I know this is not the case...not really, but my skewed opinions of myself projects onto her more value than I give myself and I know this is just one of the things God wants to change through this relationship. 

At this invitation I now will enter the realm of accountability and change. On the surface this sounds honorable and noble and completely benign. In my head my "self" begins to scream one long "Noooooooo!" 

The problem is this new mentoring relationship will begin to peel back the layers of all the things I have held onto most of my life. "My" identity will be exposed and I will have to truly choose to either hold on to the old version of me or welcome the changes that will come. 

Let's Examine This

Unpacking the fear I have, I turn it over and examine it. 

I have been asking God to change me into His image for over a year now. He has been faithful and done so much. Why then, when He prompts me to foster a new relationship that will allow someone I admire speak into my life on a regular basis, do I suddenly want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction? 

I do not fear the result. I want to look more like Jesus. 

I do not fear the time it will take, I have plenty of it.  

I fear the pain. The pain of letting go of the lies I have chosen to believe about myself for years. 

I fear the ugly. The ugly of mid-metamorphosis.... no change from one thing into another is pretty. With this relationship there will be someone there, up close, seeing all those ugly bits of me I have tried to keep hidden. 

Exposed

On my recent trip to Guatemala, God spoke some powerful things, and one of the things He said was this: 

"How long will I have to convince you that you are chosen? Stop it! Stop with the defensive comments and let down the wall you hide behind. Stop it!" 

With those words, spoken through someone I now consider a friend, I wept. I actually bawled....ugly cried...in public.

Immediately after that word, someone else said this: "I feel like God is saying 'Tell her she is my favorite and she can't say anything snarky about it'"  

"Snarky" is how I describe myself. So I knew this was God and when God exposes your mask, it begins to get real....fast! 

I was wrecked by God's love slamming into me and challenging me to let Him have my brokenness.

Obedience is Better than Sacrifice

That night I just soaked it in, or tried to. Some things God lets marinate before He holds you to walking through the Refiner's fire. I thought I was doing better. I thought I had pruned out the snide and snarky comments about myself. 

After I hung up from the conversation with my new mentor, my best friend - who was with me - turned to me and said "This is a good thing. I am glad you are doing this, because while you have been "better" about not putting yourself down as much, you have still done it and that is disobedience." 

Slapped in the face by the Holy Spirit. That stung. 

The truth is this is more than just "changing a bad habit". This is open heart surgery. I could go through the motions and learn to have more decorum, or speak less harshly about myself, but as long as I still think the same way, it would all be just another mask I put on. My heart would be the same. 

God is faithful to finish what He began in Guatemala...of this I am certain. The Word says in Philippians 1:6 (AMP) "And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."

Join the Conversation

Do you have a mentor? 

Subscribe

If you like what you read here and want to get more great content, then click the "Subscribe to our Newsletter" link below. Fill out that short form and confirm your subscription by checking your email. It is as easy as that! I won't sell your info and I won't spam you. Oh- and I will give you the PDF version of my children's story "The Gardener and the Sapling" for FREE. You can print it up and read it to your little ones, or share it with someone you love. The message in it is timeless!

Subscribe to our newsletter

Who Will You Impact?

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

Discipleship? What is it? 

Tutoring, mentoring in your field, pushing, being a sounding board, reflecting Jesus. Pointing back to Him and His ways... teaching, supporting, raising up, training, cheering....

These are some of the things it means to disciple. It does not have to look like full time "ministry", it does not have to look like daily or weekly devotionals, or bible studies with friends. 

It can be quiet moments of prayer together. It can be as simple as listening to someone's story, or meeting a simple need. When we live by example we are teaching and discipling those around us. 

All that we read about Jesus in the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) is about the things He did that were "big". He bucked the old religious folk. He healed the blind, the leper, the crippled, and the lame. He ministered to prostitutes and tax collectors. He raised the dead back to life. These were the big moments. 

But there are some moments we will never know about. Moments when Jesus and the twelve were walking miles from town to town. The time when they talked freely about the word, the world, family, friends, relationships, and faith. These moments were when real discipleship happened. 

"Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book. " John 20:30

There are moments like this in my life I can always point back to. Moments when other people spoke into my life, or taught me something that has stayed with me through the years. 

When Mr.Chaney, my 9th grade English Lit substitute  said "I think you have talent, and can learn to write." 

When Ms. Coleman, invested her days off to pick me up just to get me out of the house and show what it meant to care. 

People stopping to say "you can" even when everyone else, including myself, said there was no way. 

The Impact of Discipleship 

Giving time, teaching, encouraging, loving people and serving them changes the world two people at a time. It changes them, and it changes you. 

God's heart has always been us. When we love God, a natural progression of His presence in our lives is that we begin to love people. That is why discipleship is so important. It shows that love in a tangible way. It  makes the love of God easier to understand. 

This is why blogs like Michael Hyatt's and Jeff Goins' are so popular: because they disciple. Both men are natural leaders and have taken the time to remember it is not about what they can get from people via the world wide web, but about what they can give that matters. 

"No man is an island" John Donne 

We all have a purpose. We all have a calling. Whether that purpose is to sing to millions or build the best buildings in the world, use your talent to disciple someone. You will be better for it. 

Subscribe!

Like what you read here? More great content is available several times a week, but I understand how busy you are. That is why I offer a free newsletter that sends you an email of the same great content straight to your inbox! You won't have to worry about missing a thing. I will never share your information with anyone, and if you sign up today, you can get a free copy of my children's eBook The Gardener and the Sapling: A Modern Parable. Click the link below and subscribe now!

Subscribe to our newsletter

Join the Conversation 

Who influences you? 

How Does Your Garden Grow? - Bearing Fruit in Season.

All of my favorite bloggers, Jeff Goins, who encourages me to write, Jon Acuff who encourages me to dream, Alan Knox, who encourages me to study, are all men who keep me grounded and sane. 

I am sure there are more blogs out there that would rock my world, but right now, much like I fixate on a praise and worship CD I like, I have zeroed in on them. These are my gurus, my mentors, and I have never met them. 

O don't get me wrong, we have had pithy banter via Twitter, I occasionally “like” what they say on Facebook, and I blow up the comment sections of their blogs, I have even written a guest blog for one of them before, but the fact is, they don’t know me from Adam. 

How then, can they mean so much to me? 

Because they are producing fruit in season, and I am starved! 

Jesus said in Matthew 21:18-20 (NLT) 

“In the morning, as Jesus was returning to Jerusalem, he was hungry, and he noticed a fig tree beside the road. He went over to see if there were any figs, but there were only leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” And immediately the fig tree withered up. The disciples were amazed when they saw this and asked, “How did the fig tree wither so quickly?” 

Jesus was not just having some random temper tantrum here. The Bible says that even when he got angry, he never sinned. He did however have a need at the moment he saw a tree: Jesus wanted to “get his grub on” as we say in the South United States; he was hungry! So what are the lessons to be learned here? 

First, let’s look at this from the tree’s perspective: 

I am a tree. I normally bear fruit for people to eat. These fruits hold seed that make more trees. Right now, out of laziness and/or lack of focus on my purpose, I have no fruit right now. I am still pretty. I still give shade. People still think everything is fine when they don’t look too carefully. It is only on closer inspection that someone may see my lack of fruit. It isn’t a problem…like I said; at least I am still pretty… 

This tree has the wrong attitude, and like many of us, this tree thinks that foliage, the outward appearance, is all that matters. It has a purpose. It even knows its purpose, because it is called a tree and not a sapling, so at some point it must have reached maturity and bore fruit before. 

Yet still, this tree is lacking. The only thing it has to show for the rain and sun God has poured into it is greenery. It didn’t allow the sun and rain to soak in and do the work God intended: bring forth fruit from the inside out. 

So now, a barren tree with pretty green leaves has nothing to provide anyone else when people come by to eat. Bad place to be in. 

All of the sudden, I don’t want to be the tree. I don’t want to be the vapid Christian that thinks ‘as long as my outside looks good, the inside doesn’t really matter that much’. I don’t want to be fruitless. 

Now let’s look at it from Jesus’ perspective: 

I am so tired, and there is so much to do still. The time is getting closer, so I have to go, go, go! I will grab breakfast on the road, no time to lay about! Gotta be about my Father’s business! The morning commute is long, and I need to grab a bite. There is a fig tree. I love figs. Mom used to pick these for me when I was a kid! What? No figs? But I am hungry and I need to eat. I don’t really want to go to temple and take on yet another batch of Pharisees on an empty stomach! It is fig season. There should be figs! “No more fruit for you!” 

Jesus has a purpose too. He came to testify to the truth, that He is the son of God, and that God’s love was fulfilled through him. That is a big message. He had three years of hard work behind him and he was nearing the culmination of everything he had worked for. Stopping to get a bite to eat should not be a monumental task; it should be simple and straight forward. Now, he sees there is no fruit, now he sees closely. Foliage was not enough to sustain him on his way. 

Have you been like Jesus? Busy with the tasks before us, we don’t like to sweat the small stuff, because it alters our course if we do. 

Ever been in a place where you were hungry for a fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, gentleness, meekness, patience, goodness, and kindness only to get a blank stare, or worse yet, judgmental attitudes, and “church speak” from someone you came to for spiritual food? Don’t you hate that? When you see a “tree” that is all greenery and no fruit, have you spoke up and said- this is not right! Jesus did. 

By their fruit (or lack thereof) you will know them. 

Now let’s look at this from the disciples’ perspective: 

DUDE! Man this gig with Jesus is so stinking cool! Just the other day, he raised my homeboy Lazarus from the dead! After four days! Man, he must be God! Who would have thought I would get to be with the movers and the shakers for such a time as this! He is so cool. I have to watch him like a hawk though! The other day, he just stopped in the middle of a crowd and let a bunch of kids crawl all over him. Judas was just getting ready to take an offering too. We needed that! There are a lot of mouths to feed. How many fish and loaves can he make? Wait, he is stopping. Cool, figs. Need some fiber in my diet. What? NO figs? Okay let’s move on…whoa! Did that just happen? Man, the power of Jesus is amazing, he just speaks and trees obey! 

Robert Dinero "Meet the Faukers" Still

People are watching: all the time. Will they see fruit and provision for others in our lives, or will they see nothing but greenery? Will they see someone who speaks up for God’s way, which is bearing fruit in season, and feeding the people around us, as we go about our Father’s business or will they see a lazy, unfocused tree trying to “fit in” by looking like a Christian, but denying the transforming growing power of Christ? 

I don’t know about you, but I am hungry. I am hungry for God, and the things of God, and the Ways of God. I am regularly eating from other people. These “trees” bear different fruit in season. I am able to gain life, knowledge, and sustenance from them, while I do the work I was called to do. 

Questions: Are there people (everyday people or ministers you may love to listen to) in your life that you love to “pick” from? Have you ever gone to someone hoping for some advice or teaching to help get you through a hard time, and there was nothing but greenery? How did you handle that? Share your answers and comments below. I want to know what you think about this scripture. How does it apply to you? Do you see more in it than talked about here? Please share with us. 

Be blessed and be a blessing and remember that grow is a verb.

Confidence Building

OK, I said I would be honest here, and if ever there was a time for that, it is now. I am struggling. I know that there are thousands, if not millions of other blogs out there that have Bible studies. I know there many people better qualified than me to teach, and my resolve and confidence has been shaken. 

As I prayed last night about what to write today, I warred with myself. We do have 2 adversaries in this Spiritual walk with the Lord: the devil, and ourselves. I believe that I was listening way too much to both last night. This is a crisis of faith and to be frank, a lack of trust on my part. So today, I knew when I awoke and began reading that I would have to build my confidence in the Lord, and place my trust in HIM.

The first scripture I searched for was Revelations 12; 10-11a (NLT)

Then I heard a loud voice shouting across the heavens, “It has come at last— salvation and power and the Kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters has been thrown down to earth- the one who accuses them before our God day and night. And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.

Our accuser is a liar and if we believe him we believe lies. He has been defeated, and it is by what Jesus did (by the blood of the Lamb). But I want to talk about our part in his defeat. Since he is a liar, we often allow his deceptions to grab our attention and that is when we lose faith, and trust in God. So how do we overcome him and his lies? BY OUR TESTIMONY! Remembering, and speaking out loud the things God has already done for us. Ok, at this point I am already excited. As one of my friends would say, ‘I am geeking out’ right now. I want to shout, because this gives me confidence.

I was raised in church, but that does not mean I always lived like I should have. In fact, a large portion of my life, both part of my childhood and part of my adult life, was spent running from God and believing I knew better. O how wrong I was. I was a liar. I was an adulteress, I was lost. BUT Jesus! He saved me, my marriage, and my family. He has healed me of my broken heart, and He is continually healing my broken ways of thinking. 

This is just part of my testimony. I remember what He has done for me and I actively attack the accuser with the truth. I am the head and not the tail. (Deuteronomy 28:13) God’s breath of life in me makes me intelligent. (Job 32:8) And God uses the foolish things of the world (like another blog from a girl with no bible degree) to confound the wise. (1 Corinthians 1:27)


God has changed so much in me. I can have confidence that His word will accomplish all He set it out to do. (Isaiah 55:11) I know that He has made me into an honest, tell-it-like-it-is person. I know that He has caused me to walk faithfully through my marriage after both He and my husband forgave me. I know that He will use these things in my life to touch others.

Job 4:6. Doesn’t your reverence for God give you confidence? Doesn’t your life of integrity give you hope?

Real confidence is not the worldly self-confidence they jam down our throats since grade school. Real confidence is in our faith and reverence, our TRUST, in God. He knows why He gave me this idea, and I have confidence that so long as I am faithful it will do what He meant it for. Be blessed and be a blessing. 

Remember that trust is an action verb.

Ministry Highlight CRM Empowering Leaders The Tafts

       One of the ways I want to make this blog different, is to use it as a spring board to let you know about other ministries. When I first started talking about this blog with my husband, Randy, I shared with him the reasons why, and now I want to share with you. 


       I don't know about you, but I often feel like I have somehow let God down because I have not lived some awe inspiring life full of awesome testimonials and fabulous miracles. I know that this is a lie from the devil. My life is by design, Jeremiah 29:11 says so. (It also is full of stories that can make you laugh, make you cringe, and make you cry. Some of those I will share with you over the course of this year, and I hope you like them.) But, and it is a BIG but, sometimes I have also felt like I have not done enough for God. I feel like I haven't given enough, or witnessed enough, or just been enough.... 


       So here we go. This is me DOING. Sharing the things I am learning in God's word, sharing prayers and prayer requests, asking for testimonials, and pointing you, my reader, toward other incredible ministries that are doing WONDERFUL things. These ministries need our support. 


Our prayers, our financial support, and our encouragement. If you know of a ministry that you want me to learn about and possibly post here, e-mail me. I will do my best to get them a mention, if not a link. 


       I do want to highlight my first ministry here in this post, because they do such wonderful work. 


CRM Empowering Leaders
 http://www.crmleaders.org/ Pastors and ministers around the world are actively pouring themselves into our lives, but who pours into theirs? CRM does. Mark and Pam Taft, two mentors with CRM (NY) are two people I pray for everyday, and know that they are actively living the Gospel as they mentor and church build. Check out their web site and if God lays it on your heart, donate to them today. If you know a pastor or other minister that needs some mentoring, or networking, point them toward CRM.